Bipolar Mum Journey

Relationships are complex, and for those who have experienced trauma, they can be particularly challenging. The “Poke the Bear” theory is an insightful concept that helps explain a specific behaviour pattern often seen in trauma survivors. This theory suggests that individuals who have endured significant trauma may, consciously or unconsciously, engage in behaviours that provoke or push their partners away. This self-sabotage often stems from deep-seated fears and insecurities, creating a cycle of pain that reinforces their trauma.

What is the Poke the Bear Theory?

The “Poke the Bear” theory metaphorically describes a dynamic where a person repeatedly “pokes” or provokes another until they react. In the context of relationships, this behaviour is not just about seeking a reaction but is often tied to underlying issues related to past trauma. The “bear” represents the other person in the relationship, usually a partner, while the “poking” represents the provocative or self-sabotaging actions of the trauma survivor.

For someone who has experienced trauma, particularly in the context of abuse, neglect, or abandonment, relationships can be a source of intense fear and anxiety. Even if they desire connection and intimacy, their trauma may lead them to believe that they are unworthy of love, or that love will inevitably end in pain. As a result, they might engage in behaviours that test the boundaries of the relationship, pushing their partner to the brink to confirm these deep-seated beliefs.

Why Trauma Survivors Engage in Poking Behaviour:

The behaviour of “poking the bear” can be puzzling to both the person engaging in it and their partner. To understand why trauma survivors might act this way, it’s essential to delve into the psychological mechanisms at play.

Fear of Abandonment: Many trauma survivors harbour a deep fear of being abandoned. This fear can become so overwhelming that they might push their partner away before they can be abandoned themselves. This way, they feel a sense of control over the situation, even if it results in the very thing they fear.

Testing Boundaries: Trauma survivors may test the limits of their partner’s love and commitment, often unconsciously. By provoking or “poking” their partner, they might be seeking reassurance that their partner will stay, no matter how difficult they become. Unfortunately, this often leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the partner eventually leaves, reinforcing the survivor’s belief that they are unlovable.

Self-Sabotage: For some, the idea of a healthy, loving relationship may seem too good to be true. They might believe that they don’t deserve happiness or that their relationship is doomed to fail. To protect themselves from future hurt, they might sabotage the relationship through behaviours that provoke conflict, leading to its eventual dissolution.

Emotional Dysregulation: Trauma can significantly impact an individual’s ability to regulate emotions. Survivors might struggle with intense emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness. These emotions can lead to impulsive actions or outbursts that strain the relationship, often resulting in “poking the bear” moments.

Reenacting Trauma: Some trauma survivors may unconsciously reenact scenarios from their past. If they were betrayed, hurt, or abandoned, they might provoke similar situations in their current relationship, not because they want to, but because it’s a pattern they’re familiar with. This reenactment is a way of processing unresolved trauma, albeit in a destructive manner.