Bipolar Mum Journey

Paranoia is a significant part of my daily struggle with mental health. During hypomanic episodes, paranoia is nonexistent. However, these episodes are often short-lived, leaving me to face weeks of self-doubt, shame, and paranoia. I frequently think everyone is talking about me and that the other school mums find me weird. I notice that people often take a step back when I’m talking, likely because I speak quite loudly. This makes me think I’m difficult to converse with.

I find small talk extremely boring and tend to interject with topics that interest me, such as philosophy, psychology, spirituality, astrology, numerology, and so on. This behaviour often makes me feel narcissistic for expressing my interests when in hindsight it’s more likely spectrum related. Consequently, it feels easier not to talk to anyone. The overthinking and paranoia that stem from a simple conversation really aren’t worth it.

I have finally found a very good local friend who shares my interests in spirituality and Christianity. However, even after our conversations, I often worry that I’m too much to handle. Although she assures me that I’m not, the paranoia and self-doubt still creep in.

Why do we feel this way? Why do we carry such burdens? I believe some of it is related to childhood experiences. Being abandoned by my parents at birth has left me with a lifelong sense of unease. However, this alone doesn’t explain why I think everyone is talking about me when, in reality, they likely aren’t.

In the words of the great stoic Seneca:

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”