Bipolar Mum Journey

Living with a narcissistic, violent boyfriend was a living hell. Whilst I’m not proclaiming my innocence during our relationship, my behaviour didn’t warrant the abuse he subjected me to. It’s taken me 15 years to speak out on his behaviour. However, as I embark on my healing journey I believe now is the time.

I didn’t have much guidance growing up and despite all the red flags being present, I jumped straight into a fast moving relationship. The love bombing and complimentary charm began. We moved in together immediately. He proposed weeks later and shortly after I was pregnant.

The early days were toxic. We’d get home from work, crack a beer, from there the chaos would start. I was just as unhinged as him back then, although when I became pregnant, I started to calm down and stayed away from alcohol. I had the baby and it was nice at first, even though I was battling postnatal depression.

A few months in, the drinking started and then physical abuse. We split multiple times only to get back together. Things got from bad to worse, my maternity leave ended and I went back to work. His strange behaviour started, consisting of unannounced visits to my work checking if I was there, ringing my work phone multiple times a day, following me home from work and following me out with friends.

He would get drunk, play his Xbox, get annoyed, then take it out on me. First were his hurtful comments about my appearance. I vividly remember a time, I ran to the door to greet him from work only to receive the response – “fuck me you’re ugly, without makeup” That broke my heart and my confidence. 

After his continual – hurtful, comments I no longer wanted to be physically intimate with him. Eventually he would force me, taking advantage of me whilst I slept. Beatings were becoming a regular thing, I was petrified of saying or doing anything wrong. 

At some point he was wrongly accused of rape by another woman. After this, he started to get a name for himself around town.

He decided to move us to Bedfordshire, to his father’s house for a fresh start. Soon after, we got our own flat. His drinking became worse, he would finish a 2 litre bottle of cider each night. Being so far away from anyone I knew, his abuse worsened. He would lock me in the house with my son, take the door keys, window keys, house phone, mobile phones and laptop.

One night he beat me so badly I had two black eyes and swollen jaw. The night after my son was sick (I’m convinced it was stress related). I decided to call an ambulance to get him checked out as it was late at night and my ex refused to drive us. I reached the hospital where a nurse grabbed my hand and asked if I was ok, (after seeing the two black eyes I had). I replied “yes” however she wasn’t convinced and handed me a leaflet with a domestic violence hotline number on the back. The hospital discharged my son so, I had to call my ex for a lift home. He arrived at the hospital in a blind rage. Screaming “how dare you fucking call me for a lift, when I’ve got work in the morning”. I must have looked scared as the nurse mouthed “call the number”. Luckily the nurse called social services claiming me and my son were in danger. However, my ex used his narcissistic charm on the social worker and she left with no further action.

The next day or so I escaped, I went back to my hometown and was granted a place at the women’s shelter. My ex managed to hunt me down a couple of weeks later and convince me to go back to Bedfordshire with him, brainwashed by his superficial charm and promises of change, I did.

The beatings became a daily occurrence. I attended a trip to the zoo with friends and our kids. They were disgusted to see my face in such a mess and asked why I didn’t call the police, I just explained it wasn’t as simple as that. Whenever I called the police he would say I was lying or convince me to drop the charges, I’d be there too many times.

A few days later I tried to escape again, he was livid. I had two choices kill or be killed. What happened next, I will go into another time…..