Bipolar Mum Journey

Today, I want to share a glimpse into my current mood, as I battle through another (hypo)manic episode. For the past three days, I’ve been in a state of relentless energy and excitement that is both exhilarating and exhausting.

Sleep has become a distant memory. Despite feeling physically tired, my mind refuses to shut down. I find myself lying awake, my thoughts racing at a million miles per hour. The few hours I do manage to sleep are filled with vivid dreams and restless tossing and turning. Waking to wonder if my dream was a premonition of what’s to come (delusional affects of mania).

Conversations have become challenging. My mind is so preoccupied with its own whirlwind of ideas that I struggle to focus on what others are actually saying. It feels like their words are distant echoes, overshadowed by the conversations with myself, in my own head. This is hard for my children to understand and even though they’re used to it, it’s not nice for them to call my name 75 times before I snap out of it and engage. My children have a lovely life and are very humorous about my mental illness. Still, it frustrates me that I can’t be more “normal” for them. 

I have the attention span of a gnat. I start a task, only to abandon it moments later, distracted by a new, seemingly more urgent idea. This constant shift leaves a trail of half-finished projects. On some days dinner is a shit show it goes in, I start task jumping, forget about the dinner and the dinner is burnt FML”. 

Multitasking has taken on a new meaning. I’m juggling numerous activities simultaneously, driven by an insatiable need to be productive. From writing my book, writing stand up comedy (to perform at the open mic night at our local club), journaling, and even learning Hebrew (latest fascination). All while trying to entertain my kids during half term. I’m doing it all, often to the point of overwhelming myself.

In the chaos of my day, basic needs like eating have fallen by the wayside (not always a bad thing I’ve lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks). Hours pass before I realise I haven’t had a meal, my mind too preoccupied to notice the hunger pangs. The kids have to remind me to feed them too, as it’s not just me I forget to feed. 

Lately, I’ve been fixated on the idea of my life story being a documentary. I’m convinced that I’m destined to change peoples perspective on mental illness, trauma, addiction and reactive abuse. This belief feels so real, so attainable, that it’s almost tangible (watch this space). 

Reflecting on my last Hypomanic episode (or whether I’m still in it). I recall truly believing that I was psychic. I was convinced that I was communicating with my deceased mother through the car stereo, which led to a series of other psychic experiences. Even now, despite my mental health worker’s assurances that these were symptoms of hypomania and grief, I hold onto the belief that there was something more to those experiences.

I don’t know if anyone actually reads these blogs. If so, Thank-you for taking the time. After reading ‘The Power of Kabbalah’ and changing my way of thinking. I feel can express myself here, I also feel it’s a form of therapy now my mental health appointments are few and far between.