Bipolar Mum Journey

The answer to whether I agree with my diagnosis is both yes and no.

Do I think I have bipolar disorder? 

Absolutely! I experience impulsivity, severe mood swings, and have engaged in risky behaviour. My erratic nature makes it clear that I have a mental health condition, something that isn’t easily concealed.

Do I think I’m a sociopath?

Yes and no. Over time, I’ve learned to develop empathy, but it can quickly turn into rage. Instead of providing my children with a calm space to express their feelings, I often react with anger and insist on confronting the parents of the child who upset them. Is this approach effective? No. Am I a rational person? No. The intense anger I feel when someone upsets my child isn’t normal; I obsess over potential retribution. The difference now is that I don’t act on these impulses anymore. I’ve developed strategies to stay home when I’m feeling this way. Does this make me a sociopath or just a protective parent? 

I’ve spent two years in forensic counselling as a prolific violent offender under MAPPA 2, which required me to work with multiple agencies over the years. Does this label me as a sociopath? Personally, I don’t think so. My criminal record stems from a toxic relationship with my ex-partner. I haven’t been in trouble since then, which, to me, explains the problem.

Do I exhibit traits of autism? 

Yes. I’ve never felt like I fit in with other girls; they seemed to dislike me my whole life. Teachers attributed this to jealousy because I was confident, pretty little thing (their words not mine). I never thought of myself as pretty, pretty fucking weird therefore, I saw this as them trying to be polite to make me feel better. I think girls just found me weird, boys however, seemed to accept me straight away. I often masked my conversations to align with what my friends were discussing. I wasn’t into the latest trends; I followed my own path and had different interests. To this day, I don’t feel like I belong. As a child, I collected stamps, rewatched my favourite 80s movies until I knew them off by heart, and had eclectic musical tastes, I collected things, I made up words and repeated them over and over, I would sneak off to Manchester alone from a very young age just for a taste of excitement. I preferred the company of adults over children, seeking experience over child’s play. 

Even now, I have quirks: I love train and tube stations, and I’m always excited to visit a new one. I love nature, solitude, and immersing myself in a subject until I master it. Currently, I’m learning Hebrew to enhance my meditation practice. This isn’t something I discuss with the school mums, not that I talk to them much anyway. If I did, they’d likely want to discuss the latest Kylie Jenner makeup palette at Boots, celebrity gossip or bad mouthing other parents and at my age, I no longer have the energy to mask my interests or vibe with negativity. Although it might sound like a criticism, it isn’t. I genuinely wish I could fit in with societal norms, but it’s just not who I am.