Bipolar Mum Journey

I’ve had a rough few days lately. I’ve come to realise that I’ve been running on grief for quite some time. I poured all that grief into trying to share the stories from my family that were never told. I just wish I’d had the courage to do it while my parents were still alive maybe it would’ve brought them some peace. Maybe things would’ve turned out differently.

Growing up, we heard more about the DIRTY, RAPIST, MONSTROUS, VILE, C**T who murdered our Auntie Diana and the anger surrounding his release, than we ever did about her. I remember visiting her grave when I was very young. There was a shiny, purple teddy on the grave near hers and I asked my mum if I could take it. I thought it was left there for children. She explained it was a child’s grave, just like Auntie Diana’s and it had been left by a family member to keep them company. I couldn’t have been more than around 5 or 6, but that moment stuck with me. Something changed in me that day, realising what a child’s grave really meant.

They tried to keep the arguments quiet, but I used to overhear them arguing about her death. My mum believed in tough love and gave that to my stepdad, but it wasn’t what he needed. He needed compassion and not the kind he found at the end of a needle. The fallout from that would often land on me, the child of another man. That pattern went on for years, and of course it affected me.

I know I come across as tough, but this week has been unbelievably hard. I count down the hours until evening when I can take my medication and try to sleep just to escape what’s in my head, but even sleep hasn’t been kind lately. The nightmares have been relentless. Sometimes it feels easier to be angry about the things done to my family rather than what happened to me personally. But having to talk recently for the first time hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t prepared for how much it would knock the wind out of me.

However, I’ll finish with this, keep your children close. Predators are everywhere, they’re closer than you think. Don’t fall for any of the nonsense you see online from groups/vigilantes pretending they care about your kids’ safety. That’s your job. Do it as best you can.